Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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