I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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