And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
