we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
