The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
