i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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