call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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