I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
