Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
