You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My liver just had a heart attack.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
