Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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