Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
