Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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