i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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