I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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