8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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