my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
