Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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