I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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