Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
