we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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