I wish I could punch you in the face.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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