I think I won the penis lottery.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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