yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
