I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
