I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
