The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
