god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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