Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass