I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.