So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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