remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
