You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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