i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
