so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
