I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
