i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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