those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
