when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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