Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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