In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize