People in love make me want to vomit
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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