i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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