I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
