I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
