I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
