If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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