Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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