I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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