I wish I could punch you in the face.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
