Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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