If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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