I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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