god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
