I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
